tenang dalam lena

Dulu hatiku yang sayu menatap wajahmu tenang dalam lena - UNIC


Salahkah andai diri tak mampu melupakan segalanya?
Bodohkah jika diri masih memuja?
Kejam kah jika hatiku berkata sebaliknya?

Dia bukan begitu..
Menepati janji adalah satu perkara yang amat sukar untuk dia lakukan..
Bila aku mengharapkan dia tidak menunaikan janji2 yang terpatri...
Sebaliknya berlaku...
Teganya melangkah...
Aku masih terkesima di sini...

You are irreplaceable...
That's one thing that resemble you..

'Don't turn back if someone give you a headlight..including me'

Rasanya sekarang aku dah paham maksud dia...
hmmm........

If ever you read diz entry..
i just want you to know..
awak ibarat bintang di langit..
pernah bersinar menyinari kelam malam...
pabila sinaran kian malap..
malam kan sentiasa diterangi kerdipan bintang lain...
tapi sinarannya tak kan sama seperti sinaran itu....

FYI...
im havin a hard time setting the qualities i need for the next person..
LOL
kalau dulu..
aku yakin masih ada kebaikan atas muka bumi ni..
tapi sekarang aku da xyakin..
kualiti yang dikehendaki semuanya telah diketemui..
tetapi ia ttp x menjaminkan kejujuran dan keluhuran..
yeah~maybe tuhan nak aku sedar diz thing..
aku xleh terlalu yakin...hmm *ye ke??*
ntahla...

Masih adakah kebaikan di atas muka bumi ini?
masih ada kejujuran kah dalam hati manusia?
Luhur kah hati2 manusia dalam menempuhi hidup?
Rapuhkh jiwa manusia dalam melayari hidup?
hmmm

a big question mark in my life..
sungguh...aku x reti nk cari kualiti yg baik dalam diri seorang adam..
aku tak dapat membezakan manis bicara dan ketulusan kata...
semoga aku dilindungi dr godaan dan hasutan syaitan...

Hasutan Syaitan

hmmm

ni la yg dikatakan godaan syaitan...

Penah x korang perasan...

k2 jap...
topic hari ini ialah...

COUPLE

hmmm okek...
korank perasan x...
dlm hidup kite...
bila kita nk sesuatu tu...
xdenye kita dapat...
bila kita xnk tuuu....
yg tu laaa nk dtg sgt....

hmm cane nk relate ngan topic couple?
okek..
listen and see..
ni snanye dugaan dan hasutan syaitan...
bila kita xnk kapel...
mula la dtg bercmbah2 minx kapel...
bila kita nk sgt kapel...
jgn harap nk dpt...

ni smua keja syaitan...
nk merosakkan hati...
nk merosakkan cucu cicit nabi adam...
im not being typical smpai protes org yg kapel2 tu...
go ahead la...
u hv the rite...
tp dosa pn snri la..

ok....
aku pn x baek mna...
penah je kapel...
tp bla dlm proses nk mencuci kepala otak jadi lebih islamic....
mula la syaitan2 amek tmpt nk kusutkn hidup aku...
hmmm

AIM :

1 . not to fall in love..
2. menjaga batas pergaulan
3. mempertahankan pegangan idop... which is... hmm jeng4

mudh2an imah aku ckup tebal unt menangkis godaan syaitan..

serikla..
blom ada yg layak snanye unt cinta aku..
cewahhh
xde la..
snanye..
cinta suci hy layak unt jodoh kita...
yg laen tu smua x layak...
mudh2an kita smua mampu pertahankn cinta tu unt org yg dkategorikn sbgai jodoh kita..
cewahhh

nape aku post gni?
mesti la sbb hdp aku da kucar kacir dgn kaum2 adam yg tetiba muncul entah dari pelosok mna...
aku knl pn idak tetiba dtg ajk bercinta...
pleaseee lah..
ni smua hasutan syaitan..
be strong!!
you go girl!!!!!

family...

Location : Pantai Morib...

date : 22 nov 09

"Tiada secantik bahasamu..ku gubah lalu menjadi lagu...tidak setanding paras wajahmu itu menjadi rindu..."

sighh~

it was not plan i think..

ptg td, baek je aku layan tdow..
skt kpala dowh...
bangun je tgk2 jam da pkul 7ptg...
so ape g, aku pn trun ah kt ruang tamu lepak dgn spupu2 aku...
elok baru nk focuz kt tv..
ada org bunyikan bell rumah...

*duhh mengganggu je..*

but it is non of my bisnes..
didnt bother much pn...
still layan tgk tv..

ayish da g buka pntu da... aten da bgn berdri dpn pntu..
aku?still blurr pas bru bgn tdow..hahaha
i tot the one yg rang the bell juz now, mayb jiran diorg..
skali tekaan aku slh da...
mamat tu siap masuk smpai dlm rumah..
cis..
mmg la xde sape pn..
cousin diorg, dua pupu aku jugak..
tp sumpah segan dowh..
bkn slalu jmpa pn..
wlaupun ngam je..
tp tobat segan..
dia pn tkejut tgk aku..
nsb bek pkaian aku msh dlm keadaan sopan..
bwadnye pkai bju tdow..
sah2 malu...

agk klaka ah.. mula2 dia msuk bwad rempang je..
umah acik dia, umah paksu aku en..
slumber je la..
skali nmpk aku lepak dpn tv..trus dia terbenti dpn pntu...
haish...segan btol dia tgk aku x bertudung..
naseb bek aku trus nek atas n bersiap..
diorg ajk mkn luar...
rmai2 spupu spapat...
sbb pe aku kta slamat aku naek trus pas hafiz masuk???

*ahh neway mamat yg aku asek mention tu nma hafiz..dua pupu aku*

mna x nye, dok sat pas tu, naim plak masuk...
smua dtg...
farah,alia,naim,hafiz..kak alin pn ada...
so kitorg g lepak dinner kt pantai morib...
bagan lalang...
diorg order seafood...
duhh aku ni nk mkn seba slh..
x mkn seba slh..
nk ckp aku x mkn seafood..
segan plak...
laz2 aku mkn je la jamah sket..
skang perut ku lapar...wawawawa

aku ni da la bermslh dgn seafood..
aku ada mslh emosi
which is kesian tgk ikan kena stim ke masak ke ape ke..
kesian giler2..
x tergamak mkn...wawawawa

forget bout that..
aku still segan giler dgn diorg wlaupun dasarnya aku bwad bajet lepak je...
pas mkn kitorg jln tepi pantai...
best ah gak..
damai...
tp da xde bintang..
bulan pn xda..
hmm maybe da naseb..
redha je la...

bila lepak2 ngan diorg kn..
seyesly..
aku rsa cm rugi sgt2...
kt alor star xda family yg dkt..
spupu2 aku smua kt kl...
diorg cuti2 leh lepak skali..
tuka2 tdow umah masing2...
mkn leh skali..
lepak tgk wyg pn leh skali..
shoppink apatah lg...
aku ni???
kt alor star sengsorang..
x bergaul..
bila tgk diorg bergaul bermesra..
aku rsa sgt lah jeles..
haha ye ah..
aku kt as xdpt bwad cane aku bwad kt kl ni..
xde spupu yg aku leh rpat gurau2 kongsi rahsia..
da la kakak pn xde..abg pn xda..
xtaw nk syg sapa...
hahah
hmm mmg ah diorg kazen aku..atleast aku ada gak kazen dr xde en...
tp seyes, bla tgk diorg mesra, penuh ksh syg..
aku cemburu..
aku wonder...
bila aku akn jmpa sum1 yg mcm diorg...
care,loving,bertanggungjawab..
prihatin...
rindu la smua tu..
dlu msa kecik2...kitorg rapat je spupu..
maen skali smua...
da besar2 ni...smua da kawen la g blaja la..
da x cm dlu..
bla pas berthn2 baru nk rapat..
sumpah segan dowh...
aku rsa lost among dem..
xtaw nk ckp pe..
jadi..
aku hanya mampu tersenyum dan diam...
layan mp3 aku...
pk cane nk slesaikan mslh yg x slesai2..
haishhh
ironic tol..
sabar je la azie...
yakin ke x...
kau ttp kena yakin dgn janji tuhan..
chaiyo2~!!
smentara masih ada msa..
kna la cari ksh syg tu kn??
hmmm
ntahla...
maybe aku dtkdrkn camni kot...
mmmm

apa bisa rindu menjadi benci???

malam itu indah...
walau gelap malam kelihatan suram di mataku...
bintang tetap bersinar terang...
bulan tiada lagi menghiasi kelam malam itu...
tetapi masih ada sinar bintang di langit malam...
bayu yang berhembus ingin menenangkan jiwa yang gundah
terasa keegoan meninggi tidak ingin dilayan...
tetapi...
jauh di lubuk hati...
ku ucap salam sejahtera kepada memori2 itu...
pedihnya...
tiada terucap..
pabila kerinduan hadir..
ku gubah menjadi benci...

'jangan dibiarkan dendam memenuhi diri...'
hanya keluhan yang terkeluar..
aku letih dalam meniti kehidupan yang terlalu mencabar...
aku tidak tega dituduh perkara yang tidak aku lakukan...
harus bagaimanakah aku hadapinya?
sungguh terluka dan hancur hati saat terkenangkan segala yang terjadi...
hebatnya dugaan mu tuhan...
berikan yang terbaik agar aku kembali berdiri menjejak cintaMU ya allah...
hilangkan duka ini...
hadirkan kebencian dalam hatiku agar aku sedar siapa diri ku...
aku hanya insan lemah..
terlalu banyak kekurangan dalam diri...
tiada setanding dengan dia...
aku hanya insan biasa...
bisakah rindu bertukar benci?
berikanlah yang terbaik untuk hambamu ini Ya Allah...
panjangnya penantian...

hijab yang terbentang mungkin akan tersingkap...
sabarlah hati

kecederaan mental dan fizikal di luar tanggungjawab saya~!

life is not that beautiful after all eh??

people can judge me...people can hate me...
people can say anything about me...
say that im not dat gud after all..
well,is there any perfect people here??

you...yeah you ...the one reading my posts...
do you know me??
if you said that you are one of my closest friend, do you think you know me inside out??
how confidence are you about that??

life is not that beautiful..
this is a real world...
i know i shouldnt give up being nice to others...
but can you tell me for how much longer should i be patient?

it cant be denied...
rasullallah mengajar kita unt jd org yg bersbr dlm mnerima ujian...
i'm not dat perfect..
im learning to be a real muslimah...
hate me for who i am..
cuz i dun care...
things happen for reason...
i do have true frenz in ma life...

i dun give a damn for what u r saying at my back..
cuz, u dun costs my time..
u r not important in my life...
i do hv my own a**hole babe...
dun worie..
i am one of doz who is feeling frustrated living in this world surrounded with people who doesnt worth my time...

mine ur own business...
da pesan..jgn bca tp nk bca...kcederaan mental dan fizikal adalah tanggungjawab sendiri...
i have my own business to take care off..
one thing for sure...
i wont be da one all of you used to know me...
its not that easy..
life is hard
i'm like a butterfly still stuck in my warm cocoon...

and i wish i wont get up...
stuck rite here still waitink for miracles to happen...
HLOVATE...
LIve life love...
or life life hate??
love and hate is part and parcel of life...
nobody's perfect...
not excluding you...
everyone have their own up's n down in their life...
u dun have the rite to comment ...
but thz for thy advice..
sy akan muhasabah diri blk...
tq

MIA to GALFNI LAKE RESORT

3 days later...

'zern,where have u been?why did you off your hp?'

'babe, where are?knapa call x angkat?blk nanti,call rien blk k?'

'zern,kayzier send an email to you..where have u been dude?don't you want to read it??? :P'


what a day..when I switch on my hp,I received lots of messages from rein,trix,fie and few others. there were 100 missed calls from them alltogether. the last incident really hit me hard...but it's not that she purposely let herself missing in action...

when I was heading back to the hostel, i had received a message from my bestfriend, Jay.. asking for help. he need one volunteer to go for a consumer talk at Galfni. the trip will be for 3days and 2 night,place and food will be provided despite its free....it seems crazy..'jay,how am i supposed to get a replacement in a short time?' she was thinking hard to help her bestfriends..then few minutes later, a new message comes in 'why dont you come zern?i'll be there too.it will make things easier...'

i was thinking hard..i need peace in my life right now,,,Galfni is a nice place far away to the north of Aberon.maybe i should just follow Jay suggestion..i was hoping that the mountain and lake at Galfni will help me sort my life back..

'ok Jay...i'll go...for the sake of friendship..but please don't leave me alone k? you know how 'easy' i am to mingle with people aite?so please keh?' i was hoping Jay would agree and 80% of myself confidently said jay will agree..he seems desperate...hihihi

'ok zern...thz a lot!you save my life...i'll go and fetch you around 3.30pm...see ya..'

'okey..see ya Jay'...

2nd day at GALFNI Lake resort...

'hush now,don't shake or break...
Words have fallen silent like soldiers to the grave...
No matter what they do or say...
Lay me on the sleepy meadow by the tracks upon your face'

the reddish light from the sunset seems warm and tender..
but still, i felt alone and cold in the warmth given by god..
why,why and why?
nobody knows..
i felt like being infected by PSTD (post-traumatic disorder)..
i can't generate my mind..
lotsa things occurs and i didnt even have my own time to reschedule my life..
pretending to be happy doesnt help a lot...
despite the shamefull accident that falls on me,
i was confused with his parents requests..
i tried to avoid him...
but...i cant...i loved him...i dun know how to live without him..
why must i sacrificed things i loved the most?
goshhh~

"oit zern!!!hihihi"

"shoot!" head tilt...laaa 'its u Jay...'

i was shocked at the sudden acknowledgement...
'merosakkan angan2 aku je...'

"what are u doing zern?its already maghrib la...we need to go for dinner at 8...and you still sitting rite here watching sunset and wanders off ur mind eh??"

'ek?' is dat really you Jay?since when you starts to be this concern?hmm common jay,i was just relaxing my mind...i'm not killing myself at this lake...

********************************
c-o-n-t-i-n-u-e

do you smell troubles coming in?

the heart that melts...

the exams hall was filled with noise buzzing from students talking and joking around...
everybodys were busy discussing on the questions just now..
without any delay, i took my bag and head to the door...

"zern!wait for me...!!" footsteps heard running towards me...as zern was pushing herself out from the examination hall, somebody tap her shoulder.it's fie..

"ohh hye fie..let's go for lunch..i'm hungry.." zern place her hand in hers and pull her to make their way...

"ehh wait up zern...my bag is still in the hall..wait for me at the stairs..i'll catch you later..."

"ok!" said zern and she made his way to the stairs first..while walking, she switch her mp3's on and take out a newspaper she bought before the exams and walks to the stairs.Five minutes has past and zern has read through page to page of the newspaper but still, she didnt see fie's face...but instead...

'clanz!oh my,why must i see his face right now...' zern felt like running away from that place.she cursed at fie's for being late..but even she managed to express her anger at fie's right now, it won't do anything...

'zern,cover your face with the newspapers!that will do...and i walk past him. he won't noticed you...' zern starts to plan her move to get past clanz..

they were just an inch away when suddenly a junior run through her and hit her hard by her shoulder and......

'oh no!my worst nightmare begins!'

"aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

*bumm!!*

"ouchh...it's hurt"

luckily it occurs at the last stairs..but...zern fall on clanz..and now she felt hurt at her knees.

" ehh sorry kak...x sengaja.." the junior give her hand to help zern.her face was fill with guilt..

while clanz frenz was laughing at us he was still numb at his place. i think my face has turn red at that time..i can still feel his hand around my waist and his eyes staring at me.

'ya allah..maluunye!zern what's wrong with you hah?!x ckup2 nk malukan diri ke?' my spirit flew together with the incident.my knees shaking and it hurt badly...'fie,where are you...aduhh'

"kak,minx maaf..x sengaja...x perasan akak td..akak ok ke?" the junior asks her to comfirm
'eshk kakak ni apsal pucat semcm jee ni'

"clanz,are you ok?here your books...take it" yen voice interrupts and pull him up.

clanz was just nodding without saying anything. the rest were still laughing at the embarassing incidents..

zern was about to make her way back when suddenly...

"hey your hp's here..."

'alamak!zern ko niiii' she turn around and look at the owner of the voice..

'erk!clanz...? chill zern chill out..'

"hmm thanks.." after hp change to her hand, she turn back to go to her car..pretending not to know him.

"zern,i'm sorry...didn't mean to...." *silent.....*

clanz, say something clanz....this is your chance!

zern : its ok...

she head back to her car and dissappears from the embarrassing scene...

no turning back..

*texting msg to fie*

'fie, i need to go first...emergency.sorry'

**********************************

i used to be loved drunk and im hung over...

*********************

'I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hung over,I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night; now it’s just a bar fight,So don’t call me crazy; Say hello to goodbye.'


"zern!your phone's ringing!"

"hmmm..i know...let it be...its just a message alert..i'll read it later.."

'I used to be love drunk, but now I’m hung over,I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night; now it’s just a bar fight,So don’t call me crazy; Say hello to goodbye.'

"hey it rang twice babe..check it..maybe something important..."

She gave a hollow gaze at her phones and a smirk to trix...then, she continue staring at the kids out there..for trix, she cant say anything else..she knows that zern is not in the mood..she always need time to recover and it is useless to talk to her at this time as she wont and wouldnt listen..

how will she listen when the musix is turn on to the max?even trix who is sitting in front of her can hear the headbanging music from her ipod..

'zern2...you always loose yourself with the music...'

to avoid boredom, trix decides to read the novel that she brings with her..

'luckily you are here my dearest books..if not, i can die in boredom accompanying zern'

then, both of them continue fleeing with their thoughts and emotions to an unknown place...
musix,books,surrounding...all that matters, anything that can help to ease their complex feelings...it will do...

suddenly....zern's was disturbed by a hand waving in front of her eyes...her imagination stops running when the uninvited hand continues waving...eyes still fixed at the children, she starts to.....

"apahal ko!nak cari pasal ke?!" 'apahal trix ni..nak kena debik ke ape kcau aku gni'

the anger before arose to the max when she is disturbed like that.eyes still on the kids...

'gilak!' that's the only words that cross her mind...when she tilt her head,

"hey cool baby...its just me...why do you look so furious?"

a firm hand wrapped around her shoulder.staring romanticly at her eyes...

dumbstruck!

'Nazrien..'

**********************

heart that missed you~

*******************************

*chup!*

"miss you baby..."

he whisper to her ears and sit next to her..his hand wrapped around her waist...trying to cool her down...

"mmm please behave rien...this is public places..it's not nice to do that.."

nazrien daniel pretend not to hear a thing and take a sip from zern's glass...

"dahaga la sayanggg" and he smile at her..

she feel embarrased with trix.Nazrien is too much..never in her life a guy kissed her.. not any dared to do so..but suddenly, the day she is in a very2 bad mood, rien had kissed her abruptly..yeah~it is nothing..juz kissing her cheek..but...

" sorry syg,i missed you sooo much..can't hold it when i saw you just now,"

'baby, wish you be mine forever..my heart beats faster when our eyes met... *smiles* i'm so just into you...'

'hmm rien, stop staring at me..you make my heart melt..gosh!why can't i be mad at you?what is soo special bout you...hmmm'

"whateva rien..i'm not in da mood...sorry..."

if it was another guy,war might have explode due to my attitude...but him....

"baby...what's wrong?tell me...it will make you feel better...did somebody hurt you?"

"forget it rien.."

"hmm come here.." he took zern's hand and hold it in his.
"let us go for a stroll...mayb it can cool you down..jom.."

"bye trix..sorry aku amek 'wife' aku jap jalan..."
"aaa kk2...go ahead..i want to go home first..take care of her..." trix smile and wink at me..

'nak kena trix ni..jga ko..'

******************************

virgin??

He's not virgin!

*gasp*

My FEAR has become a reality...
i was damn furious when i heard the story...
how could you clanz...you betrayed me...
i thought you are different..
you act like one..
but finally you proved me wrong...

trix,rein and syaz was there...
she told me bout you...

jaw dropped in disbelief..
'biar betik mamat ni cenggini...'
tried to give my sweetest and cynical smile to her story...

rein was telling me about you..the only things that enter my minds just the words engaged-owned-other courses-like-hp's num..oh shoot!WTH is she talking about...i can't generate anymore...

rein : what's up zern?why are you asking bout clanz?
zern : nothing,just curious...i've just noticed him yesterday..he looks weirds...i never knew he exists before (fake smile and giggle)
rein : ouhh..well zern, he's not available..he had already engaged...but there's one girl has a crushed on him..he told me so...did you know that girl?she's from your course la...
zern : *fake smile again* sorry i dont know anything bout it...there are hundreds people from my course aite?it is impossible for me to know all of em...hihihi
rein : oh yeah..*smile* k sorry zern,gtg...syaz is waiting for me there...daaa~

after she dissappears from my sight...
i felt as if my heart going to explode...
it beats faster than ever...and i wish i can strangle someone...

"TRIX!!!did you hear that??how could he!i thought he was different..i wish i can strangle him right away!urghh!!!shooot man!he promised me not to tell anyone about our friendship..
but now, he has mistaken my intention...what make he think that i like him?"

"err common zern,do you really believes that story?mayb she was just making up things...chill babe...forget about what happen..let us go and get an ice-cream...it is on me...common..." she hold zern's hand and drag her off from the cafeteria.. then both of them head their way to the baskin robbin and had their ice cream there...

Both of them continue talking till they arrive at the baskin robbin's. They ordered two choc's ice-cream and choose a place near the window..

zern was quite upset with the news she just received...
she likes him..he would be a great friends..but somehow, he betrayed her trust...what else can she says?life can't always be as we wanted...sometimes, we don't get what we want and sometimes, we get what we didnt asks for...that's life my dear....
whatever happen, we need to verily after each difficulties because things happen for reasons...

zern was looking out the window...with her mp3's stuck in her ears *habit*, she is trying to untangle the new crisis she had.Looking out at the pavement, she enjoyed watching little kids running here and there without any worries of real life crisis..

'god, i miss my childhood...there are zero problems to think of...i wish i can change places with them..


To be continue....