08 November 2010

Mirror

it's a boring one..
you can click X if you dont want to read this...
it is nothing but my feeling of guilty...


H always be the mirror of my love story with F...

and H was and will always be there whenever i'm in trouble...
yes! TROUBLE....whenever there is trouble, he will be there to support me..
but some how....
H is the only person yg i treat really badly..
i really mean it...BADLY...
i never shared my HAPPY PART OF LIFE with him...
being together with H is whenever i feel bored and stress with F *back then*
jahat kan?

i knew him in the year 2007 till now 2010..it's about 3-4 years...
he is nice..he is sweet..he is good looking bla bla bla x larat nak list out...
but then, my heart still cant accept him...

and he did asked me to be his GF...
but again..i DONT WANT TO...

i dont want to be in relationship..
and selagi dia x dengar i said YES...
selagi tu dia keep asking..
including just know...its the 7th time he asked me to be his special.

H : i wanna asked you sumting..
ME : ape?
H :are you single?
ME :hmm yerp..something wrong with that?
H : well, H nak jadikan Az x single dah..leh ke?

LAUGHING and SMIRKING when i read his msg..
WTH?gila..hmm aku sgt pessimist when it comes to him..
and still i dont know why
i dont think its HIM that is the problem..
its me...me myself does not want to be in relationship..
its clear doesnt it?
soo it goes like this

Me : hmm?oo kalau serious, g masuk minang..off topic..tu pun kalau rasa i'm qualified enough to be your queen lah..
padahal nak cakap..aku tamaw!!  and with high hope dia akan back off bila baca word TUNANG...
H : oo kena masuk meminang trus ek??hmm Az,H seyes ni..it's been four years of waiting..iznt dat enough to prove my feelings?

and wut did i reply?

*sorry tgh meeting..talk later*

off discussion...and even after i finish the cohort meeting,still didnt reply his text..
kalau serious..do it in serious way lah..
its not enof juz by saying u love me..
i dun want to feel being loved only...
i have enough love given by fam and friends..
i wanted to feel being wanted and needed...
and maybe if sumone out there manage to give me these two things,i might accept him with Allah's will...

i'm being cruel kan?but i never asked him to wait for me..i do feel guilty about it..i've told him not to wait for me...but he insists of doing so..and i oso tell him that dun hv a high hopes for my love..im afraid i wont be able to like you..or love you... *YEAH SANGAT FRANKLY SPEAKING*
and he still said..
its ok...bagi la chance kat H...i'll prove 2 you that i'm better than F

and i was like WTH????
you are H!!so you wont be able to be F..
just be yourself!
i wont compared you with F...because you are for yourself..not for what i want you to be...

hmm
keliru dan malas nak pk..
i dunno how to reject him anymore..
mati akal nak bwad alasan...
cakap direct tak paham..cakap berkias pun tak paham
aku yang rasa bersalah taw x?
i dont want to treat you badly..
but at this time i wont be able to accept you H...
this entry is here because i feel guilty...

i'm no good pun..
sifat?banyak kekurangan
rupa paras? byk lagi yg cantik2 at ur place..choose them lah
i'm a person with lotsss of things to be repaired back..sgt banyak kelemahan..
x layak unt sesapa.. *yes, i have low self esteem when it comes to this*
my presence will only caused trouble in your life * i mean it*
i already forgot how to love somebody *lame excuses*
i know that...
but i dont want to remember what and how it feels to fall in LOVE again..
if we're meant to be together,then we will be together...
ONE DAY LATER...NOT NOW....

oh panjang umur dia..dia da text.. ~_~" asking whether my meeting has finished..
hmm
pura2 tdow..
switch into silent mode..
maaf..i dun know how to respond to your questions..
atleast, i am being true to you that i wont be able to love you and i am able to reason it out...
i already reason out kan yesteryears? huuu
do forgive me...



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