24 September 2009

Non Stop Guilt

at first, i thought that this is what i want..
i want to throw away everyone that love me...
Throw away everybody that i love...
but i must admit..
it was a big mistakes...
living with regret...
does it worth my time?

i dun called this feelings as feelingless..
but it is too complex...
i wanted u to be there for me...
i wanted u to love me...
but i dun want anybody to love me...
gosh!i'm mental sick...
i dun know wut i want...

but one thing for sure..
i felt like living ghosts...
walking without soul..
i cant feel the happiness anymore..
keep thinking bout all that i have done..
keep thinking whether he's truly hurt...
wut should i do to hold him on the ground...

i dun care anymore bout my feeling...
i juz want him to be happy...
if he is not happy...i cant be happy too...
i wanted to be with u foreva...
i'll be there as long as u want me too...

this things are hurting me badly..
and i know..it hurts him too...
i tried to console my heart...
but it doesnt want to listen...
at this time...
i missed my old fwen..
those who owez have motivating words to cheer me up.
a frenz that can always hold me on the ground...

god...
tell me why is it so hard to forget...
tell me why i cant continue like before..
i juz cant figure it out...
am i making a big mistakes...?
show me the path...
have mercy on me...
heal him so that i can go to you...
i pray thee god..
make him a strong man at heart...
i cant live him by knowing he is hurt badly...
how am i suppose to continue living like this?
god..u know my heart..u know everything that lie inside..
please help me and show me the correct way...
sometimes my logic says differently with my heart...

i've just finish reading one book that is very inspiring..
if ever that book is correct..
i will regret everything that i've done...
i am wondering...
izit true?

wut lies in heart can be seen through the eyes?
eyes will reveal everything from the heart...

hmm his eyes never lies..
but when i remembered bout the book that 'he's just not that into you'...
i cant choose and think...i cant put my self as the special one...
but i dont want to put myself under the 'normal' category...
am i the special case?
or i'm juz a doom girl..
gosh....why izit life is so hard?
idk what is the best way for both of us...
tried to enjoy the raya..
but not soo long till the stars emerged...
the bright three stars..
the one that keep watching...

when i saw the stars..
i starts to wonder...
does he really learn to hate me?
does he able to hate me??
gosh!plz dun..
ur mouth says that u r goin to hate me..
but y does ur heart tell me that u'r still missing me?
God..idk what lies behind all this trial...
but please make it easy for both of us...
u can hurt me..im used to be hurt..
but please dun hurt him...
he has hurt enough to be hurt again...
please dun make me to hurt him again...
i cant bare it, knowing and feeling his wound wont heal...
i cant bare to just seat and not doing something to heal him..

I pray to you god..
please save us...
make things easier for us..
and make us a stronger person in facing life..
if this is the best way for us...
please make us strong and continue living without grudge...

Surah Al Baqarah ayat 216...
Firman Allah:
Boleh jadi kalian membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagi kalian, dan boleh jadi (pula) kalian menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagi kalian. Allah mengetahui, sedang kalian tidak mengetahui.”
Di dalam ayat ini terkandung beberapa hikmah, rahsia dan masalah yg dihadapi. Jika hamba mengetahui bahwa sesuatu yang dibenci bisa mendatangkan sesuatu yang disenangi, dan sesuatu yang disenangi bisa mendatangkan sesuatu yang dibenci, berarti ia tidak merasa aman dari mudarat yang datang dari sesuatu yang membuatnya senang, dan ia tidak merasa putus asa untuk mendapatkan kesenangan yang datangnya dari mudharat. Sebab ia tidak tahu apa kesudahan yang terjadi dibelakang hari. Allahlah yang mengetahuinya dan tak seorang pun hamba yang mengetahuinya.
Oleh itu...bertawakal lah pada Allah walau sesakit mna jalan yang di lalui...
Hanya Allah yang mngetahui hikmah di sebaliknya...
Saya sayang kamu...kerana Allah jugak

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